The Story of Us: The fall before.

August 18, 2009

I’d be lying if I said that ninety percent of the list wasn’t composed of things I found out I didn’t want in a guy the hard way. In fact, that’s why it was so easy to list so many things right off the bat. It was like a release of the past several years of dating onto the paper. Past relationships obviously didn’t work out for a reason and the proof was freely pouring out of the pen.

I wasn’t a stranger to unhealthy relationships. I have always felt the need to fix people. I would manage to find the guys who had the most issues, take them under my wing, start becoming emotionally invested in their lives, and then be dragged down the trail of depths with them that were all listed back to back on their travel itinerary. I was so good at it, too.

Your friend is in jail? Call me at four in the morning and I'll worry sick about it for you for as long as you need me to. You want me to drive to across the country because you miss me? I'll be right there. You need someone to come and keep you company? I'll drop my plans and come over the second you call.

I lived for other people’s happiness and contentment at the cost of my own.

Did I realize this at the time? Not at all. I was just doing what I knew how to do best. Fix.

I moved to Arizona when my internship turned into a full-time job in March of 2008. As I began digging my roots into the desert dirt, I started settling into several relationships. I had several co-workers that I had interned with who had become close friends. I had Rachel who I had previously interned with and had gotten to be closer friends after the internship. And… that’s about it.

Besides those few, there was someone else. A person I would describe as someone I was “dating as friends.” We were friends, just friends, but from the outside looking in you would have no idea. He was someone who I had become so comfortable with to the point where it was too comfortable. Instead of putting myself out there to meet new people, I was stuck to him. I dropped plans at the drop of a dime to go be with him. I left my girlfriends when he called to spend time with him. I scheduled my life around him. The him who was nothing but a friend at his own convenience and who was leading me on to believe so much more. He knew me, he was easy to be around, he was a guy that I could always have around but not have to commit to, and he believed in God. Except that I never really showed him the real me, he was exhausting to be around, it wasn’t healthy for me to always be in his presence, and the only way I could tell he followed Christ is because he said he did. I hung onto that last factor like it was my lifeline. I so badly wanted a guy who shared my faith and the little that he did was enough for me - except it wasn’t really. I was afraid to go anywhere because he was all I knew in this new place.

In September of that same year, I got into a major car accident. I had just gone to dinner with him and we had stopped at Walmart. I was following him in my own car out of the parking lot when a huge pick-up truck ran a stop sign and crossed through the median. I swerved just in time to avoid T-boning them, but not in enough time to avoid them totaling my car and doing a pretty number to my head. I called him right away and he came and took care of everything.

This was the problem. He would always sweep in at the right time and I would feel completely cared about. Two weeks later I wouldn’t hear from him for a month. And then he’d be back. And then go. And then come back. And then go. And I would hold onto the moments like the car accident where he showed that he really cared and play reels over and over in my head when I wouldn’t get a returned call or text. Somehow, it sustained me.

What I can now explain as divine intervention only, I got involved in a Bible Study with a group of about fifteen to twenty other girls within a week of my car accident. However, the extent of my involvement was showing up on Wednesday night and leaving as soon as it was over. No need to befriend these girls or open myself up to them. I thought I had what I needed. And besides, he wanted to hang out or talk or something. It was always about him.

God knew what He was doing when He brought me to that group of girls. I wouldn’t realize it until months later, but that roomful of Godly women would leave deep imprints on the course of the next season of my life.
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5 comments:

  1. ahhh..its like reading the season finale of something, you leave us wanting more. Cant wait to read more..

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  2. Oh, Jordan...you really dig deep into your soul for this one. I love your honesty. While I always liked your "friend"...I certainly hoped for more for you. You deserve the best.

    xoxo, mama

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  3. this makes me smile... and also realize we are even more of the same person... we still need to grab coffee/breakfast/dinner/ something soon!

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  4. I love learning about these little pieces of you. You are a gift in my life and to our team. I can't wait to see what God does in our friendship this year.

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