The Story of Us: The spring before.

August 20, 2009

I started 2009 with a clearer mind. At least I wanted to have a clearer mind. That was a start and by no means was it immediate. I learned the willingness to do something is about ninety percent of the actual follow-through. And the willingness is the hardest part.

January came and went, and the busiest season of my job was over. I could relax and get back to a more normal schedule.

February came and went and I slowly but surely started to embrace my singleness and independence. The fact that Valentine’s Day came and went in that month and I spent it with two close girlfriends helped this process.

And then came March and April. Things changed in March and April.

In March, something happened with him that finally, finally, finally set me straight. One of his best friends was in an accident and it was pretty evident that he wouldn’t be make it out alive. In the first few weeks of March, I strapped on this burden that my friend was carrying. Remember how I like to fix and rescue people? I was doing it again.

I hadn’t prayed this hard in a long while. I felt obligated to pray for him and his friend and his friend’s family and his friend’s friends and everyone in the world who was connected to this situation by even fifteen degrees of separation. I visualized his friend in distress and yelled, screamed and begged that God would just rescue him. Save him. I would drive home from work and see the mountains and the sky and the people in their cars and think, “God, You did all of this. You made the mountains, You created the ocean, You control the waves. Why can’t You just save him?

And over and over again I would hear Him say from the book of Isaiah, “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Basically He was telling me to stop questioning Him. His will. His plan. His purpose. And it shut me up every time.

I think I wanted some kind of miracle to occur. I wanted God to prove that He could save this guy if I just prayed hard enough. I wanted Him to prove to me that He was who He said He was as the Creator, Planner and Master of my life. And again He would shut me up and tell me that His thoughts were nothing like my thoughts and His ways were far beyond anything I could imagine. I was starting to kind of get it.

The word that had resonated on my heart the past half-year came back to me again. Goodness.

As in God is good. He does good. His plan is good.

I didn’t know why I was taking this situation’s burden as strongly as I was. I didn't know what made me fall to my knees at night in tears begging God to save this guy who was a lost hope. But He controlled everything. I think I was really wanting Him to save me and take control from me. Where was He? Why wasn’t He controlling these waves? I was getting beat up and I was exhausted. I wanted Him to prove He could perform a miracle so I would believe He could save me, too.

I was lost. I had forgotten who I was or who I wanted to be. I had started to define myself based on other people and hung on to anything that would give me a sense of worth. I was taking on everyone else's problems to cover up my own. I was moving through life instead of living through life. I had become content and stagnant in this routine I had created and decided that this was as good as it was going to get. I needed to be saved from myself.

His friend was not saved in a physical sense. But I still realized that just because God didn’t answer my prayer like I wanted Him to didn’t mean that His will would cease to continue as planned.

In the meantime, he fell back into his own corner of grief. He didn't come around much, call much, text much, want to talk much. I started praying and asking what his role in my life was. Friend? Best friend? Phase? More? One Wednesday night I had asked my Bible Study leader to pray for him. She asked if I had talked to him lately and I told her that he hasn’t returned my calls. Almost immediately I said, “But it’s okay. He does it all the time.”

And my heart stung.

She looked at me and said, “Are you hanging out with the girls much?” I looked at her and tried to come up with an excuse, any excuse, but instead I just said, “No. I have walls up. I’m working on it.”

Over the next few weeks, he wouldn’t come around. For the first time in the million times he had done this before, I was okay. It was freeing. Liberating. I finally felt at peace with him not being a constant in my life. I was ready to move on, to accept what came next. I had finally realized his role in my life. He was just a phase.

He was a phase that I was ready to move past. I knew I had to move past him to find myself and especially if I was ever going to find someone else. I was ready to close the door on him once and for all. Once I closed it, it was hard to not want to go back. Slowly but surely, I would figure out who I was without him once and for all.
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2 comments:

  1. I love your posts, and I love this real true life story of you! Can't wait to hear the rest! You are a wonderful writer!

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  2. Jordan,
    You are such a mature believer for your age! I am enjoying reading your wisdom. I am almost 50 and God continues to teach me through difficult times. The Key is to keep your heart open and listen as you are now and God will keep leading you where He wants you. He always wants the best for us doesn't He?

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