The Story of Us: The two months before.

August 21, 2009

As the month of April came in 2009, so did some big changes.

I moved to a new place. It was closer to work and much nicer than my old apartment. It finally felt like home and I couldn’t have asked for a better situation. The landlord of the condo wanted me to paint and therefore let me move in a month early for free so that I could take care of the job. It all worked out. I could paint the walls, walk barefoot on hardwood floors, and look out at Camelback Mountain every morning and night.

And the money that I had received from my car accident? It served as the deposit for this new place, something I wouldn’t have had on my own.

In the meantime, I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. For the first time in the entire time I knew him, I was relieved. I was hanging out with the girls that I had been avoiding; I was spending time with good friends and focusing all of my energy on them alone. I was starting to figure out who I was – alone and in Him – and what I wanted out of this life I was doing my best at leading.

Towards the end of April, my anxiety that I had suffered from five years prior, and hadn’t had a major issue with for the previous three years, came back full force with its teeth clenched and mouth foaming. All of a sudden I was back in a spot that I thought I had moved well beyond. I spent my mornings, days and night fighting off the feeling of this anxiety. Avoiding moments where I’d have to face my fear. Dreading the next rush of panic. Reverting to a crippling state where it was easier to just be alone than to try to explain myself to people. No one can truly understand what anxiety feels like unless they’ve been there. It doesn’t make sense and it seems so irrational, but it’s so very real. The thoughts in my head were illogical and crazy, but they made complete sense to me. I was trapped in my own self-made cage.

When my anxiety started five years prior, I came to a place in my faith that I had never been before. I had debilitated myself to the point of becoming a hermit in my own home and relying on nothing but God. I would pray for Him to get me through the day, and then get me through the night, and then I would wake up and repeat the prayer cycle. I tried to focus on getting through each moment but all I could do was fear the next moment.

Eventually, through prayer, He brought me to a place of surrender which I so desperately needed. He made me loosen my tight grip on control and rely solely on Him.

Fast forward five years later, I was soberly reminded of the tight grip of control I still had on my life. It’s much easier to go through the anxious thoughts and running tape of fear when there’s Someone much larger to rely on. I was just figuring that out five years ago, and this time around I knew Who to go to right away. He had brought my thought process full circle and I combated my anxiety from a whole different direction. I handed it to Him instead of handling it myself.

I tried so hard to hide this from everyone. I was tired of explaining it because it sounded ridiculous. It was just easier to decline invites when I could feel the panic starting to seep in. I just wanted to seclude myself and deal with it.

That worked until it was my turn to share my “life story” at the Wednesday night Bible Study. The story came pouring out and all of a sudden twenty girls in the room knew one of my deepest secrets. Those twenty girls in the room didn’t judge or question; they listened and cared. At the beginning of May I went on a trip to San Diego with these same girls. While hesitant, I insisted to myself that I go. It was there that I had the most severe panic attack I had had in years and several moments of tearful surrender. But it was so very needed.
It was that weekend that I was finally convinced of God’s control on my life, His hand in my life through the people He had placed in it, and how desperately He wanted stillness for my soul. I left that weekend renewed and ready to face the next phase He had for me with the trust and faith He had empowered unto me.

Little did I know what He had in store.
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3 comments:

  1. I'm reading your story on how you and the boy met. But, I have to say that I TOTALLY understand dealing with anxiety. I wont get into my story, but you just explained it so well here. Thank you! I feel better knowing that I'm not crazy and I'm not alone in feeling this way.

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