We're normal, I think.

July 13, 2010

I wasn't sure how to write this or if I even wanted to write this. But by the end of this you'll realize why I needed to write this.

Chris and I have been married for four months next week. It's been a long transition, full of expectations that have or have not been met, with surprises and lots of figuring things out and learning new things everyday.

The third and fourth month have seemed to be especially trying. I guess that we are finally getting settled in to our place and can no longer keep ourselves busy with unpacking boxes or moving furniture around. Our schedule has seemed to stabilize and has become much more predictable. There's just a lot more time for thinking and figuring things out and learning about each other and ourselves.

That can sometimes be surprising.

Over the past few weeks, it's all been getting to me. The need for alone time. The need for space. Missing my single days where it was just me and the girls. Combined finances, schedules and decisions.

The dam broke on Saturday night. It was one of those messy, super unattractive cries. Let's all give praise that there was a box of Kleenex on my bedside table.

He said something that I heard the wrong way and the build up that was already inside of me broke. I lost it. Words and cries came out of my mouth and he listened. He held me and listened and we talked.

I expressed how I didn't know if this was normal. Is it normal for it to be this hard some days? Is it normal to have the transition period last this long? Is it normal to be crying right now?

I didn't know. And no one has expressed to me that they had a tough time transitioning as newlyweds, so I just assumed that it was just me. I thought we were doing something wrong.

When someone asks how everything is going and how married life is, you tell them, "Oh, it's great!" That's just what comes out. And, yes, it is great. But sometimes? Sometimes it's hard. No one ever answers, "Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes I wonder what in the world I'm doing. Sometimes I wonder if it's normal to feel hurt or upset with the person I love."

And that's what gets me. That's what makes me feel alone in this. I know I'm not, but is anyone ever honest? Marriage is wonderful and it is something to be uplifted and congratulated. But I feel like it's okay to talk about the fact that it's a big change, too.

Chris talked to one of his friends yesterday who had gotten married a few months before us. My midnight meltdown had been on his mind and he wanted to ask a friend about how we were adjusting to this period of time that I was certain wasn't normal. Her words to him echoed my thoughts and I finally heard some truth in that the first few months are hard for some people. It was a relief to know that I'm not alone in that.

So that's why I wanted to write this. To have a blog where I express my journey through marriage and being a newlywed, and to only talk about the cheery times, would be dishonest. Maybe some of you on here can relate now and maybe some of you will relate one day. Either way, I know that I needed to write this and maybe you needed to hear this.

One website I've recently stumbled upon and just love is Confessions of a Young Married Couple. Her writings are so raw and honest and it is a constant encouragement for me as a newlywed.

Share your thoughts below. I'd love to hear from those more "experienced" than me.
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  1. I love Confessions of a Young Married Couple! I have felt the exact same way and I have gotten so frustrated with friends who marriages are just "perfect." No one shares the difficult parts of being a new married couple and just adapting. You are not alone.Just know that. We are 3 years in and still dealing with ridiculous stuff! Hearing you echo how I felt at times makes me feel that I am ok too. And that is one thing Confessions does for me as well. Maybe we should write a book on it...good for you for blogging about it.

  2. I'm not sure how I found your blog but y'all are normal :). I've been married almost 5 years and the marriage part is great but sometimes the roommate part is difficult. It gets so much better! Hang in there :).

  3. Katie's right, what a great post! One of my best friends is getting married in a couple of weeks and I'm going to send her this link - so now you've helped at least one person be prepared!

  4. I can't compete with Katie's comment...she's got such a way with words!

    But ohhhh the normal that you are my dear! Just hold on to the love you have and don't let go! And always, always talk to him about how you feel...about everything really. Don't ever shut down...that is when the damage is done.

    Blessings to you!



  5. The first year of marriage was the hardest thing I've ever done. Rich would say the same thing.

    And we wouldn't have it any other way.

    Anytime we've hit a rough patch since then we know that if we made it through that first year, we can make it through anything!

    Y'all have "normal" written all over you!

  6. Like others have said...Katie is right. The first year of marriage was crazy hard for my husband and I too. Those that say it isn't are kidding themselves. I love your honesty about it and the right thing to do is to always keep that line of communication open with your husband.


  7. JoJo,
    You will look back on year one and see growth, change, and establishment. As hard as it was, Brian and I look back and treasure every minute of it. Those moments were the ones that established us as the couple that we are today. We don't fight/argue as much, we know the 'buttons' that will cause each other to go off of the deep end, we know when to just shut-up, and we've learned ways to get over it quickly. That's 5 years later...
    Marriage is about change. Change is hard but change is good. Each year will bring new things into the mix and the only thing you can expect is to have to adjust. The greatest part is that from now on, you guys get to do this together. You adjust and change together - and that's what strengthens your marriage. Someone gave us a coffee can when we got married and told us to write about our first-year moments and put them in there (good or bad). On your anniversary, go through and read them all, keeping the good and throwing away the bad. It's amazing to see what you've been through and exciting to know how far you've come. You may be a few months late but statt one now. It really is fun. Anyway, I'm glad you were transparent enough to post this because it is normal and we can all relate...even after 5 years :-)

  8. Hey Jordy! I didn't realize you were a newlywed too!! Yes, it's a big change! I can completely relate to you :) Our first year has been a mixture of many tears and much laughter! But it's the best journey I've ever been on!

  9. I know this is an older post, but I had to comment.

    We've been married for two years on September 13th. It has been hard. There have been tears, lots of yelling, a few weekends of me going back to Texas to remind myself that marriage is in fact worth it, but there has also been laughter, lots of love, amazing memories, stories we will tell our children (if we have any) and two amazing and crazy dogs.

    I am excited to have a new "blogging friend" who is also a newlywed and honest about her struggles.

  10. I could not agree more. That's why I started my blog too. Our marriage is very happy and full of joy, but it's healthy too. That means things aren't always peachy and sometime I just want to quit. It happens and it's good to share. You're normal, human, and awesome for opening up. I know firsthand just how difficult that is to do.

    Man Wife and Dog Blog


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