Living my story.

May 28, 2012


I have spent the last two months droning in the realization that for the former seven months I had in fact experienced a mild bout of depression, I was in fact on the other side of it, and I do not know for a fact if it is really gone for good.

It's a scary place to be in when you're not sure if you can even control what's coming around the corner in your own mind. It is a perfect storm of shame and peace, knowing it will all be okay while being angry it's even a worry.

Questions filled my weary mind day and night as I tried to wallow through the muck I had made for myself. Why do I feel this way? How do I stop it? Why am I crying again? What am I supposed to do? Who am I? Where am I? Why am I who I am and why am I here?

Anxiety crept in, tangling my senses. Fear wrapped around me, blurring my outlook on life. I had a good life - I've always had a good life - but I was restraining myself from living it.

At some point over the last couple of months, I realized those shadow days would just be a part of my story, much like my ongoing battle with anxiety, my uprooting to a new place, the whirlwind of a romance with my now-husband. They were all handwritten by my Creator to fit perfectly into my grand novel.

This was part of my story, but not the whole of it. God doesn't give us unanswered cliffhangers.

When I stepped back from the ghost of myself, I realized I had become so caught up in getting through twenty-four hours at a time that I hadn't even asked myself if I was really where I wanted to be. My husband had been riding alongside right with me and I hadn't even stopped to ask him how he was doing. My friends had invited me to different going-ons here and there and I had just shown up, not giving or expecting anything in return.

Have you ever read a book just to finish it, skimming through the pages, counting down how many you have until it ends? I was playing out my story, skimming the pages and just trying to get through it, but I wasn't living it or embracing any of the characters.

And it showed. Mentally, physically, relationally - it revealed its ugly head.

Just a couple of months ago I reminded myself, as I have too many times, that God was and is and always will be in control. My chapters are in His hands and it is my purpose and mission to live out the words He wrote in my story. Each character is in my life for a purpose and I can't ignore them, leaving them to be forgotten. The setting He has placed me in is where I am to be and live right now, in this moment.

And I am finally accepting how His stories for me are merging into a wonderful, well-written novel. The good, the hard, the bad - I am to live out each chapter, because they all matter in the end.

Isn't that the best part?

We read along as it all plays out page by page, celebrating and cringing with the characters until it's over, and then we sit back, close the cover and say, "Well, that was a good story."

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  1. Thanks, Paige! I'm learning this every day.

  2. "And I am finally accepting how His stories for me are merging into a wonderful, well-written novel. The good, the hard, the bad - I am to live out each chapter, because they all matter in the end." - That is indeed - the BEST part! Thank you for sharing your heart!

  3. This is beautiful! I'm sort of in the same place right now. That giving up of the illusion of control. It's hard, isn't it?

  4. I loved your shadow days post, and I can really relate to what you're writing here. I feel that I've been in shadow since September of 2010. Too darn long. It's irritating to feel like you've "wasted" that time. (Such an American thing to think, yes?) But, I'm also realizing, as you seem to be, that those things are probably feeding in to a more "awake" me now. I have to assume it will make me better. It will all make sense at the end of our story.

  5. Beautiful post! Needed to read these words today and remind myself that He is in control. Love your point... "God doesn't give us unanswered cliffhangers." Thank you!

  6. Thank you, Jasmine. I know you've had some shadow days on your own, and yes, I feel the irritation. I know sunnier days are coming soon and the outlook you pour out in your blog is inspiring. We'll wake up to all of it soon.

  7. Ah, control. That's another post...or one hundred. Thanks for your comment!

  8. Yes, one day! Thanks for being an encouraging friend.


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