Shadow days.

May 24, 2012


It's no secret that I am somewhat obsessed with John Mayer. His music. I'm only obsessed with his music. And his creative, deep way of writing lyrics. (My husband doesn't believe me.)

My sweet husband, feeding this obsession, bought tickets for his May 5th show as soon as they were available. Would you believe me if I told you John cancelled that said show within 24 hours of us getting tickets? It was a roller coaster of emotions I don't want to ride again. Trying to numb the pain, I immediately pre-ordered his newest album on iTunes. And then I immediately downloaded it the other night as soon as it was available. It has since made up for the missed live show as I listen to it in my car, in the kitchen, in my head.

One of the songs on his new album is called "Shadow Days" and it's a song that has given me a bit of affirmation.

I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here, and I'm right now
And I'm open, knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now



My shadow days were last September through this February.  Able to see it now, I spent six months in a mild depression, not wanting to face the routine of each day. I spent evenings quietly shedding tears between the sheets, my husband surely exhausting every possible what-can-I-do. And I didn't know. I wasn't sure what would help or even why I was this way in the first place.

What I did know is that I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see how I was supposed to get through the next day, and the next, and the next. It would be fine eventually, right? That's what they say, when you ask people who aren't in a shadowed place. "It's all going to be okay," they say. And I know it will now. But there's no way to see it through the clouds.

When I think back to that time, I see shadows. I see a dark cloud over that time in my life and shadow days they are.

But then there's a point when the clouds start parting, slowly but surely. And they come back every now and then with a bit of rain, but there's a reassurance, a hope, a gained knowledge that they will go away.

The hope is restored: the shadow days are over. There will be hard days, sad days, trying days, long days, but the never ending shadow days have been replaced by every-now-and-then-it's-cloudy days.

A peace comes up and over and washes away the fear of, "It's never going to end." Because it does end. The control, the wondering, the unknown, the sadness - I finally learned to let it go.

And I'm right here, in this place.

And I'm right now, in this moment.

And I'm open, knowing somehow that my shadow days are over.

My shadow days are over now.



Enjoy the holiday weekend and I'll be back with a winner on Monday.
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6 comments:

  1. I wish I could be there to watch you enjoy your music and do the red wine dance!

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  2. Shadows have a way of obscuring our vision, blurring it, decreasing it to the point where we have no sight. In those times, God is holding my hand so tightly! May you begin to feel His touch on your hand and may you grasp His hand in both of your hands and never let go.

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  3. We saw Mayer last year and it was amazing. I too was sad that he canceled this year we were hoping for a repeat of awesomeness. Glad the rays of sun are coming through the shadows! With Joy, Carey

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  4. I really like John Mayer's music too. Certain songs so clearly remind me of certain times in life and various memories.

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