The other night we were driving home from the grocery store. My husband had come along to help, which when I am used to doing it by myself each and every week, it requires a lot of patience on my end to let someone else in to help with the duty. But, I was tired and not feeling up to par, yet our fridge was empty and the week ahead needed dinners on the calendar. So, he offered to help and I instantly obliged.
We had a disagreement in the toiletries aisle, items were thrown into the basket that were not on the list and we spent $30 more than I ever spend on our weekly grocery trip. It wasn't the most enjoyable experience. When we got into the car, I brought up the disagreement again just to make sure he understood where I was coming from. He did, but he didn't want it to be brought up again. And again.
And I kept at it.
And somewhere in that two-and-a-half mile trip back, I said things that were so beyond hurtful even my insides burned as I spoke. And I knew it was wrong to say, and I knew I didn't mean it, but I was so in that moment and I wasn't going to back down.
True to his nature, he acted as though nothing had been said or done to hurt him to the core. I tend to take advantage of his quickness to forgive, and I went about the evening minding my own business and carrying on surface conversations.
When we got into bed that night, I laid there, repeating the words "I'm sorry" over and over in my head. They wouldn't come out of my lips. I eventually rolled over and got closer to him, willing myself to speak the words.
It took a solid five minutes for me to say it.
"I'm sorry for what I said earlier," I said, swallowing my heinous pride. "I didn't really mean it."
Without a breath on his part, he said, "I forgive you." And I told him how I really felt, which was quite the opposite of what I had said hours prior.
It isn't because I am not sorry, because when I know I am in the wrong, I truly am sorry. But actually saying "I'm sorry" means admitting I was in the wrong, I'm not that loving of a person, I am ashamed and I am a sinner, through and through. That is what makes it so hard.
I am almost twenty-seven years into life and nearly two and a half years into marriage and I am still learning the basics.
What about you?