I've rounded up my favorite posts from this year; it's been a good one.
Now I know.
"Now I know that love was sitting with me in the bed for the last six long, draining months as I cried through another spell of my bout with depression even though he knew that he would just be sitting there again the next night, and the next night, and the next night."
"My expectations of him come from selfishness within me, and we're never going to win at this marriage gig if I keep setting us up to fail. He's not meeting my expectations, because I'm the one setting them. And when I set them, I don't tell him. I expect him to know, but he can't read my mind, and we repeat the cycle over and over and over again. I can't stuff my expectations into a small gift-wrapped box."
"It isn't because I am not sorry, because when I know I am in the wrong, I truly am sorry. But actually saying "I'm sorry" means admitting I was in the wrong, I'm not that loving of a person, I am ashamed and I am a sinner, through and through. That is what makes it so hard."
These are the days.
"These are the days of just the two of us right now, as our first is tucked safely inside. These have been the days for the last two and half years of marriage when it has just been us and a dog, able to pack up a car and head over to California. There have been very good days. There have been very hard days. There have been days that just didn't last long enough. There have been some days where we didn't want any more days. But the days always end with us together."
Happy Birthday to my husband.
"You've taught me that it's okay if I don't do it all. I want to do it all, and I try to do it all, but I fall short often. Your grace in stepping in and just doing what needs to be done, regardless if it's the one day a year you have a valid excuse not to, speaks volumes to my tired and chaotic heart. "
Living my story.
"When I stepped back from the ghost of myself, I realized I had become so caught up in getting through twenty-four hours at a time that I hadn't even asked myself if I was really where I wanted to be. My husband had been riding alongside right with me and I hadn't even stopped to ask him how he was doing. My friends had invited me to different going-ons here and there and I had just shown up, not giving or expecting anything in return. Have you ever read a book just to finish it, skimming through the pages, counting down how many you have until it ends? I was playing out my story, skimming the pages and just trying to get through it, but I wasn't living it or embracing any of the characters."
I won't keep my hand down.
"I am bitter that I still carry a sting from twelve years ago. I am angry that I let one selfish person hinder part of my identity. I am sorry that it has bled into my marriage and relationships. But through God's grace, I am working on it. I am learning it's okay to ask questions. I am learning to be patient with myself and others if they don't like to be asked too many questions. I am learning to release the shame and guilt associated with that day in chemistry class."
As it rains, God reigns.
"When we get to the point of not being able to handle the summer heat any longer, the rain comes to offer a sweet redeeming. And just as the rain pours onto the ground, God pours onto us. When we're too hot, too tired, too encumbered - God rains. God reigns."
An affirming voice.
"I have learned (through experience) that God also speaks to me through my love language. I've heard God's voice three times in my twenty-seven-year-long life, each time affirming something I needed to know at the moment."
The trust motto.
"It's true, his saying. Once that fragile bond of trust is broken, it is very, very hard to trust fully again. Possible, but hard. And though you can trust again, there is now a crack in the foundation. The trust you built with the other person won't ever again be one hundred percent."
Let the answers be.
"It's a journey. There is no definite path. The answers are rarely clear. So, brother, take it one month, one day, at a time and the answers will fall into place as naturally as they can. But you have to be willing to let go and let them be. You'll figure it out."
The portions on my plate.
"I had to evaluate my heart and realize this organization was keeping me busy - which I strive on - but that I wasn't giving them all of me. To give all of me to God, my husband, friends, myself and this growing baby, I had to keep a spoonful of goodness off of my plate. I knew I wouldn't finish all of my helpings if I didn't."
"Come March 2013, we'll have a little one with us. Yes. I'm pregnant."
Baby, you're a firework.
"'Well, that's exciting!' he said immediately. And he meant it. I studied his eyes to makes sure he really meant it, and he did. And it allowed me to feel excited, too."
Just when you think you know love.
"But like everything, this is new to us and we're figuring it out together. We're figuring out who the other person is in a brand new way and the role they are going to play come March. Because just when you think you know love, something little comes along to remind you just how big it really is."
Dear Chris, We've been married for two years.
"We didn't have an idea. We didn't have a clue. We didn't know the challenges we would face or the lessons we would learn or the battles we would conquer, big or small. But we are now two years into this journey that we promised each other would last a lifetime. And though there are days that is hard to imagine, I look back and realize how easy it will come."
Dear Chris, We met three years ago today.
"We were certain of each other. We were certain we were in the other's next chapter. We were certain the rest of our stories would be penned by the other."
Weekly Letters to Baby:
3&4 | 5&6 | 7 | 8 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29