You are seven weeks beyond turning one and I owe you a letter to thank you for your first year of life.
You, my boy, will always hold the title of being the first one to make me a mama, regardless of how many may follow. This is a big title to hold because it came with big changes and lessons for me. You changed, developed and hit milestones in your first year, but looking back, it is the change in me that is the most glaring. You've molded and shaped me in ways I never imagined.
You are my gift of grace, directly from God. I knew I needed it from the beginning; we always need it, don't we? I needed it as a child and as a young adult and as a single working girl and as a new wife. But as a mom? Oh, do I need it a thousand times more. You are God's grace in the flesh for me. I just know it.
I know I messed up a million times your first year of life. All of the changes, decisions, schedules, routines, new relationships and pressure would get to me and I grew impatient and frustrated. There were days I cried. Raised my voice. Shut down. I wanted a break. I wanted to run away (just for an hour or so).
But you, with your grace-filled spirit, clung tighter to my neck. Wrapped your arms around my legs. Laid your head into my lap. It's like you knew I so desperately needed to feel grace and love. Your smile and personality are contagious. You are so much more a little boy than a baby, and I love that about you. It also makes me kind of sad because it is going so, so fast.
Here's the thing, sweet boy. I'm going to mess up a million more times. Probably two million more. You are my first, which means everything I do from here on out will be the first time.
The last week or so, you've needed a little bit of extra rocking to get to sleep. (We all need a little extra grace some days, huh?) I started singing the first song that popped into my head, but my mom brain blanked on the lyrics. So I made them up.
Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
When I stumble, please draw near me
Bring me to Your sacred place
The last two lines are definitely not the lyrics, but it works. It works for where we're at, buddy. And when I sing this on repeat, it works immediately.
I'm so proud of all that you accomplished your first year. You keep me so busy and I rarely sit down, but that's just another thing I'm learning about you. You like to go, go, go, and I've had to get out of my comfort zone for that one. And you are all boy. This all boy thing is new to me. I'm learning just how different boys are from girls: their needs, wants, attitudes, activities. I look at you today and I feel you are so much older than just one. Since you were ten months old, you became so much more a little boy than a baby. I feel honored to be raising a little boy, actually.
Thank you most of all for the love, the overwhelming joy, and the contagious laughter. Every day this is your gift to me.
Keep giving me grace, little one. We're going to figure this all out together, you and me.
I love you more than you know,